I'm really good at finding excuses. Really very good. If you love someone, that's a great excuse. To not go to grad school, to not find a better job, to not find a better place to live. I'm using her to justify my fear of the future. Here's the thing - the one future I truly can't imagine, the one that would break me, the one that she wants so hard it hurts me, is a happily ever after with her.