Having recently realized that I have "commitment issues" (across the board, really, and exceptionally so in relationships), I've never been more aware of my attraction to the fleeting, the forbidden, the chimerical, and the flat-out unattainable. Anything with an impeding failure for which I cannot be directly blamed. . .
It's kinda terrible, but not always. . .especially when a chance to hook up with my newly single manager started forming. The ball was in my court, and I really wanted to go for it because I'm actually really into him. . .which is why I decided I really shouldn't.
I'm sure one day soon, I'll be glad for "being smart" about it, but given that it appears I have hurt his pride, made our friendship nearly too awkward to sustain, and lost his attention too completely to somebody else to hope for another chance, I'm struggling right now to imagine that day.
This might sound dumb, but, sometimes, as long as we are ultimately safe and healthy, I think it's okay to embrace the habits and fears and desires and flaws that have made life difficult and gotten us in trouble before. At the end of the day, whether we're deciding if the potential gains were worth the risk or if the calculated desistance was worth the regret, we have to live with it. We'll take something away with us either way. I guess I just don't think we can hope to rationalize our choices easily if they weren't the most honest ones. I know now that I can't. And I guess that's what I'm taking away from this.